It seems that I write the most when I am happy, and the big lapses come during times when I am either sick, or trying to deal with something. When I started this blog, I thought it would be good for me because it would be sort of an online journal where I could talk about everything that's happening to me- good or bad. Anyone else being interested in what I wrote was sort of just the icing on the cake. What I realized very quickly was that I can't possibly be 100% honest here, because other people can (and do) read this. Since I don't live in a bubble and most of my days are filled with interactions with other people, much of what I write involves other people. I am very cogniscent of the fact that you can't just write whatever you want about people who don't have a chance to defend themselves using the same forum (and I don't believe the "post a comment" section is sufficient). Also, some people just don't want their lives and experiences flung all over the web to be read by anyone who can stumble onto this page. But in between this balance of trying to be thoughtful and trying to be honest, there's real life and things that affect me in major ways, and I can't always edit out the things that involve other people which might upset someone. That's my disclaimer for today's topic anyway.
This past week and a half has been very hard for me. Hell, the last 4 years have been hard for me. My dad left my mom four years ago this April after a 32 year marriage, for reasons I choose not to discuss. For those people who say that this kind of stuff is easier to deal with when your kids are grown- don't buy that. It changed every single aspect of our family dynamic, in ways that are still revealing themselves. It left my mom alone and grieving at a time in her life when she should have been preparing to retire and enjoy the golden years of her life. In some ways it has cast a shadow over everything we do together as a family. But we're human and adaptable and moving on sometimes becomes a choice you don't get the luxury of making. In some ways I think it's made some of us much closer. But that's the only good part of any of it.
So this week I discovered, among other things, that my dad is getting remarried. It's the other things that make this so hard, but I can't discuss them here. I never would have predicted that this would have hit me so hard. For the last week, I have been really struggling to avoid a depression of some kind. I don't know if I am succeeding with that or not. I do know that my stress level has reached its max, and I am exhausted. I keep having thoughts of just moving away from my life. The other day all day long I kept thinking about moving to Georgia. For some reason, the South sounded really good. It felt like if I could just pick up and move away, I could get a fresh new start. Later that day I heard someone with a southern accent on NPR and I cried. I've cried a lot in the last week- mostly just fleeting, resigned sort of tears. I don't even have the will to respond to my dad's news at all.
I certainly haven't had the energy to post an entry here, so maybe this is a good sign. Or maybe I just needed an outlet that silently absorbs what I have to say. Either way, I just felt it fair to at least make a presence and offer some sort of explanation for my silence.
I leave for Alaska this Friday, and I've really been trying to shift gears and prepare myself- this is supposed to be fun, after all. I just don't want to be so desperate for a break from all this that I inadvertantly ruin it. My mom said last night that she already misses me. Somehow that made me feel worse.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
